Fermented Fruit...

Important lessons can be learned when you aren't as coherent as you have convinced yourself you are. In fact, it might be a necessary voyage for some of us. You know, that sort of bold state of existence after that glass (gallon) of wine you managed to drink without realizing. One of two things happens: 1. You think you've just solved the existential dilemma of the year or 2. You put your foot so far in your mouth that you are certain you'll have to have it surgically removed. I try to steer clear of no. 2, but it seems I never fail to jump back on the sea saw after many close calls in the imagined surgery room.

The Fun Comes First:
There's really nothing more humorous than dancing with yourself in a mirror in an effort to mimic a conceited gay man dancing in a mirror next to you. This leads to several new dance "moves" which include blowing kisses at yourself, jumping fake rope, and maybe even pretending to break dance if you're feeling particularly energetic. This is all the more fun when you have a partner (or 2 or 3) in crime that is as unapologetically drunk and lacking in seriousness as you. A note should be taken that I only started dancing ever in the last year or so. I am not sure if I am drunk more often now or just lost any sense of inhibition or embarrassment for myself.

If you are fortunate enough to have a creepy guy near you, you get to exercise your right to say things you normally would only mumble or say in your head. Point: It is extremely rude to remove someones straw from their drink if you do not know them. Actually, it's rude if you do know them. GERMS people. Let it be known as well: if someone tries to fondle my friends, chances are I will give them an earful. In fact, if I have been drinking, I will probably make their head spin and their ears bleed with a whole array of rambling hard to follow statements. I might throw large words in there, or existential questions just to irritate, and likely confuse. No decent person would just walk up to a random person and think they have the right to just touch them. Period. Lastly, if they keep moving their chair closer even after I have said," I wouldn't waste my time if I were you", chances are I will eventually dump a drink on them.

Another really fascinating thing is the chip sandwich. I am not sure how this has happened in my life but my two best friends have these two things in common: 1. They can drink a lot of wine and 2. They eat sandwiches with chips on them. This particular sandwich was made at around 2am. It contained taziki, tomato, lettuce, mustard, and chips on pita. What makes this really interesting is the fact that it cost $3 but my friend was willing to pay $10 for the process. This particular sandwich also became communal and largely ended up all over the table.

Then...
You somehow manage to find yourself gracefully moving on to the next phase, the existential state of 'definitely intoxicated.' This is where the conversation goes on in spite of itself. You get to ask questions like: Why are we here? What if everything is constructed and we aren't really here but not here? What if the Earth is meant to be destroyed by global warming? Don't you think it's funny we think we have any idea about the Universe? What is the Universe anyway? Did I turn off the coffee maker? Did we really do that? Now if you're as lucky as I am, you've found a worthy conversationalist and are buckled into the verbal Magic School Bus. You might make a lot of U-turns, but a lot of ground is covered and eventually you exhaust yourselves and fall asleep. The point isn't the sleep though, it is the adventure. Even if you haven't answered any of these questions, more than likely you have at least convinced yourself of the answer and with any luck written it down (for later humor if nothing else.)

I have this theory that extremely intelligent people usually have a love for the drinks and/or any other mind altering substance(s). Maybe this is my way of trying to get out of giving up my love for fermented grapes. The idea though, is that you get to leave the day where you are constantly-maybe-too-coherently worried about whatever you can possibly sum up to worry about (usual things: bills, love/family, deadlines, life decisions/not so usual things: weird toe, penguins, that crooked picture on the wall) and enter into this parallel universe of thinking freely about them instead of rationally. Yes, escaping rationality. I think you have to do it or else that scribble called our brains would turn into all scribbles, just a big blackhole, and we wouldn't have any room to move.

And no, I haven't had anything to drink today.