some joy to counteract the prior malaise

Looking at the last blog... I have to say I had the response I suspected I would upon reading it. Word vomit rarely happens with me, not in this sense (I'm sure some of my closest friends would say it certainly does, but that's usually a half bottle of Jameson in.) Apologies. Or not? I still haven't ultimately decided on whether or not to delete it...

This summer has been chalk full of nonsense. It has been good. It has had it's moments of good, bad, ugly. I have had too many hangovers but I refuse to learn from those experiences.

In any event, when I'm not being a whiner, I do fun things. Here are a few of them...

I call this a Shaaktail. Yes, that is a gummy shark eating a king cake baby in an ocean of beverage. 

On the 4th of July some friends and I went to a baseball game. We stopped at the bar across the street for a beer beforehand. This sign was behind the bar... It was so amazing I had to capture it. I think it's maker probably had more than one of each of the items advertised! oh and for the record, it's totally affordable and entertaining to have beers at Mad Monks. Entirely. Do it.

I may or may not go to hell for this. Photo op with a doll that looks pretty damn real. This doll scares me.

Yoda was caught in a drug induced animal orgy

This has been a recurring game of the summer... 

I've been trying to play the ukulele. However, this is me playing it while a band was playing @ the local watering hole. Okay so I wasn't really playing it... i was holding it and staring longingly at the juke box.

A seahorse/mean award (Mean= Megan - g) came into my life.

I have many other entertaining and highly child-like things to share but... my laptop decided to hate bluetooth and I haven't uploaded everything. Soon however, the summer of spread the joy will have more visuals.... and more joy. And more gnomes. YES!

General Malaise...

Typically, I don't write much regarding myself personally. This is for two reasons: who the hell would give a damn? Why would I want anyone to know? I'm feeling particularly self-indulgent and selfish however, so you are forced to be punished should you chose to read this nonsense. I recommend skipping this one.

general malaise.
According to wikipedia:
Malaise (pronounced /məˈleɪz/, mal-aze) is a feeling of general discomfort or uneasiness, an "out of sorts" feeling, often the first indication of an infection or other disease. Malaise is often defined in medicinal research as a "general feeling of being unwell".
This is sort of where I'm at.

I named this summer, in the fashion that a band might label a tour, the "spread the fucking joy" summer. I decided that I should be as self-less as possible in the interest of trying to refocus some energy on the general well being of my fellow men. Thinking about that, it's really out of character for me- I love people a great deal all the time, but, I am also quite often disappointed by them resulting in a statement I have said perhaps a million times, and more than likely 2 million times:"I hate everyone." This is not a ramble on how I hate everyone, because I don't, and I'm not even disappointed with anyone currently for any particular reason(s).  People have been really great the last few months and seem relatively receptive to my forcing joy down their throats. And why wouldn't they be? Everyone likes to be happy and most people like to be childishly giddy. Aren't I a happy little elf? This is of course, not truly self-less. Humans are not altruistic, even when they think they are being so- all decisions are calculated even if unconsciously: we don't do anything without weighing the odds and figuring out the cost and gain of any given situation/action/reaction. So the self-lessness is out the window here. Regardless, I'm still into trying to make the world have more joy. I'm just being cranky.


I was about to state "the problem with this..." but I've stopped myself. There isn't really a problem with anything I just said. It is what it is. 


And now for the malaise.


In the process of making the summer very fun and silly, I think I may have emptied my own cache- and not in a speed things up and clean things up way. This morning I realized I forgot to mail an important thing to a friend who is getting married today. No, the wedding won't be disrupted by this, the show will go on. The world will not end. It's not the largest ordeal, but it's not small either. I've been neglecting to neglect things to the point where it's all one huge basket of neglect. All of this was set off by forgetting one thing?! Yes. And this is why, I try not to think over-think anything. Enter anxious mode. Remember the blog about space and hyperventilating? I'm being that girl with the paper bag. I think I will bring her back for this blog. There's something comforting about her even if she's just a cartoon.


Anxious mode is not a good place. It's the land of lost thoughts, time and motivation- or something of that nature. It puts a cramp in my joyousness... and paralysis on my social skills. This general feeling of ill-will is not conducive to spreading any fucking joy at all. But I feel it... the chest is pounding and the brain is ticking much too quickly for my normally lackadaisical pace. Yes, I'm fully aware of what is going on: negative cognitions, illogical ones, really unfair self-abusive ones. I'm recalling everything I've said or done in the last 10 years in an effort to... I don't know, point out to myself, masochistically, the things I may have (but probably didn't) completely screwed up. I'm whining quite a bit now, and this is why you shouldn't be reading this. Maybe I shouldn't post it. I probably will though, and then I'll take it down when I am feeling less self-absorbed and disgusted by it. 
Along with this comes me in rash decision mode. 
The possibilities for isolation are outstanding. I liken my brain to a scribble on any given day- I've said this a billion times. You can't really tell where the thoughts start or end and they are overlapping and ever-increasingly difficult to define. When I'm in anxious mode, the scribble becomes more like a blob. Yes. So the blob is oozing it's guts out in my head momentarily. I feel good about it. No. I hate it. I can't decide. I realize all of this will pass of course, and I will be completely fine and maybe a better person for it. I just have to make it through the malaise unscathed by my own temper.


My horoscope for this week, via astrobarry.com  is on point:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Commit your week to cleaning your slate of mindless time-sucks, perfunctory acquaintanceships and trivial concerns… in order to make plenty of room to have fun in the manner you find most pleasurable. Life is too short—and this crazy season too full of legitimate excuses to be anxious or bummed-out—to sacrifice those certain joys that brighten your days like no others. And it's perfectly understandable, Taurus, to be somewhat picky about the specifics, too. If you're going to consciously invest attention in bringing your inner child the ingredients for creating his/her own bliss, you should follow the recipe to the letter. Craving a hot-fudge sundae? Make sure you're using your favorite ice-cream in the world. Wanting a snazzy hairdo or stylish new outfit? Don't compromise on what you really want. On the prowl for an amorous fling? Forget about lowering your standards. Go for the one you're truly hot for. Sure, your act of holding-out could make it a bit harder to secure your most desired goodies. But when you finally succeed, at least your hands won't be full of the mediocre tokens you settled for. (Plus, the quest is part of the pleasure, don't you know.)


Funny, eh? I think this guy should be my life coach. He should just sit on my shoulder and tell me what to do.


Now that I've exorcised a few demons for your reading disgust, I think I'll go about my day. Paper bag in hand. Sunglasses at all times. I'll return with some joy shortly...