"Coming into your Own"

This posted started as an email to a good friend of mine... The internet never saved the initial draft but it certainly had me thinking...
Last year I turned 30 and with that came the expected "coming into your own" expectations... Hence, why it was all too expected.
I've never really been good at that: doing what is expected. As much as I haven't been sheltered, I also have been. I've been totally sheltered by the opposite of what my parents would have wanted. and as an anxious result, simply sheltered myself.
I've had a really hard last few years. Not the kind where I feel sad about myself or life but the kind where I seriously don't "get it." I've educated myself and surpassed myself in a strange way... leading to  where I never really even "get" myself.  I've learned the keys to the tools of normal and function but... I kind of don't care! It worries me at my age because I guess, or I perceive, that I should honestly care. I probably care too much & it comes off as not caring at all (blah. blah. blah.) I'm never really sure. I hate philosophical debates and yet, I've curiously enough drawn myself into one.
I dream a lot about the circus. Last night I had the most vivid dream about a troupe of people bicycling in to this small wooded area with tiny tents that held images of their acts. As they pulled in they started to dress and act as I wrote some poems about the acts... yesterday I woke up and wrote down what I dreamt as if I were taking notes on curing hatred. Today I awoke at 3:03am and dreamt much the same thing and woke up reciting some other poem about the actions of these actors... people... kin...

I suppose I worry that I have "never grow up" syndrome. I have all the classic symptoms: failure to commit to any one thing, failure to use intellect to surpass placement, failure to grow given change... but I never feel that way. I always feel oddly, like I am where I am supposed to be. I'm strangely okay and comfortable never trying to trump my peers.  It's the anxiety of that lack of competition that plagues me. I don't even know why. Does any one person really?

As much as I may "want" to, I don't really care that much about achieving above and beyond anyone as I care about watching the circus. It's colorful and real and flawed and perfect. No expects anything beyond the unexpected. Call it lack of inspiration or lack of energy (lord knows, I have seasonal depression which I'd take any day to my supposed inherited bipolar disorder), call it my lack of drive or inspiration, call it my lack of education or will to succeed... I really like the fucking circus. And I don't honestly care what anyone thinks.

If it were a perfect world, I'd live in the forest and no one would ever know me. Yet, that's only my perfect world and other people live in it. Some amazing people do. They inspire me every day. We're all beautifully full of flaws and guffaws and hugs, kisses and pointed fingers. We're full of mistakes and things to say and full of encouragement and discouragement... Hell... nothing exists without the other and thank living for that. That's reality. I love it's lack of predictability and lack of terra firma. I like the excitement of just living to enjoy it. It's critiqued, it's maybe "lazy" to some... but frankly, it's real life. It's underrated. You worry about stock and I'll plan our next potluck for when you're broke. I like my judged life even when I take 4 ativan to relieve myself enough to talk about it. I secretly like my supposed failings. I may still be at the stage of denying it face to face but I LOVE IT. I'm weird. It's fine. I love the weird. I love the normal. I pretty much love everything but the pressure to "get" it. I love you.

So for this new year I promise to be less hard on you. Promise in return, to do the same to your friends, lovers and acquaintances. We all earned it. After all.. who isn't really the bearded lady? Maybe someday, we'll all "come into our own" without trying so damn hard and then we'll all actually know what the fuck that means.

Happy 2013, My Loves!

Social Demise and Inconsistent Babble

So it has been a half year since I last rambled -likely much to the disdain of anyone accidentally stumbling upon this page. I was trying to remember all of the interesting things that may have happened since then and I have to admit, my memory is not really up to it.
A few highlights however...
1. We officially opened our new lounge at the Lost Dog this weekend. A labour of love! It looks fantastic and I'm excited to see how it does. I'm also a little apprehensive of what new and unusual circumstances will arise from the addition.
2. I turned 30. It was exactly like I expected it to be. I did however, have a really fun birthday that involved French food and wine & a Feist concert with two of the best friends a human being could ask for. To be fair, my birthday lasted 5 days. I spent it in NY with my best friend and we meandered around much of Queens. She lives in Astoria, and I haven't had much time to visit and see what her life and neighborhood are like, so it was a special treat.  I did a Jameson quality test at each Irish pub I happened to come across: I give Astoria a two thumbs up for Jameson quality. I was also luck enough to be in NY at the same time a friend of mine that lives in Paris presently was visiting so I got to catch up with her too. Overall, it was a whirlwind of 5 days that I will definitely never forget!
3. I briefly considered fleeing the state a couple of months ago. You know, the sort of fleeing where you don't tell anyone where you are going or what you are doing until you are there doing it? I think a lot of people make jokes about doing this- I certainly have in the past- but I seriously considered it to the point of taking the beginning steps of organizing my attic so I might begin to pack. I also started shedding a reasonable chunk of my belongings. I suppose I was thinking it would be great to be a free spirit or whatever it is people with less anxiety over responsibility call it. I'm still not completely abandoning the idea.
4. I've come to the conclusion that people under the age of 25 or 26 are socially addicted to their i"device name"s. I enjoy my iphone as much as the next person but it seems like a social disease that has resulted in the creation of social Rs. Here are just a few examples of instances that make me believe the overall IQ and emotional IQ of the nation are plummeting:

• "Do you want to go to dinner and broadcast it/text each other about it while it's happening?" Working in the restaurant I watch 4 kids sit together and not speak. They just play with their phones. Are they texting each other? I mean, why even bother going out to eat if you are more interested in anything and everything else going on in the world? Yes, I know, it's available. That's just the point. It's available ALL THE TIME. You can text or call or facebook ANYTIME. You are out to dinner to spend time with your friends. If you'd rather make sweet love to your iphone, go home. 
• "I know I've been ignoring you in lieu of my iBestfriend but I demand your attention NOW!" Don't expect a server, cashier, receptionist, whatever service industry worker you can think of to pay attention to you while you're either talking on or staring at your phone. It's rude. Get some manners. Grow up.
• "Look at me! I go places! I have friends!"What is with checking in? Is it because you want everyone to know you go places? Who actually cares? Are you just trying to get attention? I block requests to be checked in to any place. I also only ever check into my house and only do it as a joke. I do not appreciate everyone knowing what and where I'm doing with who. I also don't appreciate people that appreciate letting everyone know this. If your ego needs a boost, perhaps you should get a therapist. Get a new tshirt... And for the love of god don't tag me in photos when I'm clearly doing something that isn't really public friendly. Try a little tact. (Also a feature I have blocked.)
• "I'd like to tell you about my very specific needs at work." Don't text me about work. Period. Unless you are the owner of my place of employment, it's frankly not appropriate. Call. I have resolved to never answer any work related texts from now until the end of time from staff members. If you can't be bothered to dial the phone and, like an adult, address whatever issue, I can't be bothered to recognize your issue. I will delete it and say I never received it. 
• "I have a problem/issue with you so I'm going to text you a novel." Don't send me paragraphs of text messages about serious issues. I've been guilty of having been suckered into this type of conversation a few times and every time, I regret it. What you actually means never gets said because it's lost in a jumble of shortened phrases. Again, call. Meet in person. Resolve the situation without hiding behind your iShield. 
• Please do send me messages that consist of emoticons or short synapses of hilarity. These are always appreciated. 
• "Look, I'm using my phone! I know you know I am because you can hear me in Siberia!" Talking out loud into your phone in a social place. Just don't do it. Don't ask Siri directions loudly. If you must talk to someone to relay a message, keep it brief and at a volume that is acceptable to everyone around you. If you are expecting a call and are in public, turn the ringer either off and set vibrate. No one cares that you have a phone. We all have one. No one cares about your personal issues or the fact that your phone can talk back. I do understand though, why your best friend is your phone now. I'm sorry for your losses. 
• Please use your phone for directions instead of asking me for them 50 times. I mean seriously, you can figure out how to blab your entire personal life to the world but haven't taken one second to figure out how to use the features that are actually useful on your device? 

• "Your phone was there so I read it. Here's my opinion. [Insert creation of real life drama that was prior unnecessary]" This is probably the worst thing I can think of. Seriously?? Does it not go without saying that you have no business reading other peoples' phones for any reason? Does it also not go without saying that it's also not your job to then draw conclusions and attempt to moderate social situations that have absolutely nothing to do with you? I am really happy I figured out how to make it so my messages don't even show up on the face of my phone and to password protect it. The fact that I had to do that- or that those features had to be created even- because people are nosey meddlers with absolutely no boundaries is pathetic.  Does this instant access world really mean personal boundaries are out the window? I certainly have never believed that, but then I have a lot of respect for my actual relationships with actual human beings. And for those of you that have had interest in my texts, comments, facebook, whatever... yes... I am talking in text messages. I'm texting all about you. I'm texting people you know about things you don't even know about. Go gossip about that. 

That should about do it! I need to create a perfect snack for the Game of Thrones finale! I also need to cuddle with my dog.

Until next time...

Scrappy

Forever yours, procrastination

I seem to be an extremely poor blogger. This is in part because I haven't been finishing things I've started and in part because I have been writing with an ancient device called a pen for a while now. I have a few friends that are "writers" who have tried endlessly to convince me that typing is easier and faster. I agree that it is faster. However, I am not so certain it's easier. I can truly say I enjoy the feel of a pen on a piece of paper and this makes the task easier.

I also have been watching television. About a year ago I decided that getting a satellite dish was a great idea. Mind you, I hadn't owned a tv in almost 10 years leading up to that (although I did briefly utilize one that a friend left with me for watching dvds), and owning a tv has proved a HUGE distractor to actually getting anything done at all. I am grateful for DVR. I hate commercials. Hate them. The ability to fast forward through them is a revolution in getting people like me, who hate sitting through people trying to cram things down your throat, to watch tv. I don't even understand most commercials: how the commercial is actually related to the product is completely lost on me. There have been many times that I thought the commercial was a joke or a short film until realizing that all those dancing people really wanted me to eat fried food.
The other thing with DVR is that it allows me to watch marathons of Criminal Minds, Law and Order: SVU, 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation shamelessly for hours on end. This is both comforting and disturbing at the same time. While I can easily watch tv all day- as long as I have plenty of food and beverage- I easily waste entire days doing so. Ah technology. I need to program my tv to turn off after 3 hours and not be able to turn back on for another 3.

The fall is coming to a close and the air is brisk. I've already been contemplating plans for sledding (it snowed on Halloween!) and what boots I should purchase for the coming freeze over. It appears after being vomited on, sliced and worn to no tread, my favorite boots are begging for a replacement. It's the worst break up I've ever had. I enjoy the seasons changing and the only complaint I have is that fall only lasts a few weeks. I want the trees to hold their colorful leaves a bit longer! I want it to be 50 outside for a while, not just suddenly be 30- I feel like my wardrobe suffers substantially from a deficit of extreme temperature clothing. After all, don't we just want to be comfortable?!

As a final note I'd like to clarify: everyone should sew up their pockets. Otherwise, you may or may not lose your cell phone and inquiring minds may or may not go through your texts in an effort to identify you. Yes, it's bullshit- texts do not identify telephone owner- but snoopy people do in fact, read your things. So please, for the sake of your own sanity and for the disdain of awkward times- sew your pockets closed!

Wolf-People and Cute Noses

It's been a long time since I posted a blog... yet again. So call it people: I'm a failure at keeping up with this. I will state for the record that a large reason for that is that I do not have a consistent internet connection due to my extreme disinterest in paying for internet. It's fine for occasional googling but writing blogs and doing anything (I'm really sorry I never reply to emails anymore. I legitimately only send one line iphone responses) that requires stability tends to be much more sketchy. Now, I'll stop with the excuses and get on with the actual blog.

What's going on, you ask? Right now absolutely nothing. Rogue and I just finished a couple hours of playing ball in the backyard and now she's rolling around in the sunshine on the floor.  The last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster by all accounts and giving details would just be wasteful of the few minutes I may scrounge up to type.

I will say that one thing remains very consistent: where ever I am, whatever I am doing, the crack-iest, strangest human beings find me. I was recently in NY visiting some lovely friends of mine. Upon getting off the bus at Port Authority I walked up to 42nd Street to have a smoke. As I'm standing there a guy walks up to me and looks as if he is about to touch my nose, but doesn't. he then says something that sounded like,"garble garble" I say, of course, "what?!" He turns around and says," Your nose. It's very cute." And... thank you for not touching it. NY is a wonderful place to visit but it's coated in dirt and grime and the germs of millions. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. (So for the love of god, STOP taking lotion samples from people on the street. You're only adding to the odds of being part of a mass epidemic!) And thank you NY, for not touching my nose. I guess I should thank you for not asking me for a cigarette too because they cost a lot of money in that fair city... but wait, I spoke too soon because I did get asked for a cigarette the next day while sitting outside a pub. When I shook my empty pack and indicated that it was, well, empty the gent stared at me. I then repeated, "I'm sorry, I don't have any left" and he became very disgruntled and said angrily," I was asking for a cigarette." Ok... what part about that exchange was unclear? The visual? The explanation of the visual? I then became extremely confused and decided the best course of action was to ignore everyone and return to my beer. It was effective.

I was, for some time, attempting a vegan, gluten-free diet. If you know me you know that is impossible for me so we'll leave it at that. I did make it 10 days however, and I was proud enough of that.

I've been listening to a lot of really old blues and folk of late. And my crush on Jack White has not waned remotely.

I would like to know if a human has been successfully cloned because I have made the decision to clone myself so I will in about 20 years, have someone to date. I'd like my clone to have darker hair. That's the only stipulation. I would also like my clone to be raised by wolf-people that speak 3 languages.

On that note... this completely random blog is complete.
I swear, I'll be better... maybe.

Our New Economic Bubble... as told from a mere plebe (not from the military... as in "commoner") Part I

I went to the University in the US. I actually learned a great deal and found the experience, in terms of education, largely enlightening and largely "educational". I did not however, find it to help me in life in general. In fact, I'm doing the exact same things I was doing pre-owing-everyone-I-know-even-just-in-paper, except now with debt. Personally, I learned a lot of things. However, there seems to be no place to use this education in the huge way I was informed I'd be able to, unless of course, I choose the route of further academia. Fine. I like school. I love learning. I love mental challenges. I love the idea of pushing ideas beyond known limits... hell, I even... I love deadlines. You know what I don't like? Debt.

In the last year or so I've discussed undergraduate debt with many people from many universities and it always comes back to the same issue... we're screwed. The US economy is not hiring. You can't get a job at Burger King due to "over qualification" and you can't get a job in your undergraduate field due to "more experienced individuals" (AKA so many people advanced have been laid off in their fields that they can get non-entry level applicants to work for half the price). So our option? More school. More loans. Make that artificial economy grow!

I'm no economist but I have to wonder... this is going to have to hit a wall, right?! Universities are going to have to be more selective, right?! I went to SUNY's "Ivy" Binghamton and I have to admit, I don't know how 1/2 the students got in: "like" abuse is rampant, the focus on getting to school in pajamas was the norm and most disturbingly, the arguing over test grades was tolerated. REALLY? This is higher education? Is it so easily bought and owed? OWED being the hard part for those of us that speak proper english, wear actual pants to class (yes, we got up that early), and when we didn't do as well as we liked, contacted the professor about extra credit as opposed to arguing the professor's ability to grade vs our failure to READ. (No seriously, the world famous Walden Bello taught a class I took my last year at Binghamton Slobiveristy and I was EMBARRASSED at my peers...) Spoiled. But hey, it's all on credit and all too expected, which isn't really anyone's fault... or is it?

The really screwed up part [a later post will address the actual student populous and the lack of "give a damn" about their education or their lack of feeling grateful for the opportunity and why I understand that yet am disturbed by it] here is it's all paid for by credit. Either the parents of, or the student, have borrowed money to do it. A few are luck enough to have parents that actually paid for it via check and in full. Even those people however, rarely work jobs along with their education and take out loans in some form for living. After the four years (and I admit, with summer, it only takes 2.5-3-summer costs more), you owe a reasonable hunk of change.

Let me remind the reader, this is a public school. It doesn't even touch Cornell, Columbia, etc...
Let me also state, I grew up poor. Paying for school for me meant working full time and taking classes full time the entire time I was in school. It was tiring, but I appreciated it.

Phase II: you graduate and without an actual "in" ( a family connection, a friend connection)... you are screwed. You could have been the most brilliant student with the best questions ever and you really... You get to work long and/or awkward hours to: get by and job hunt. I'm lucky, I have a great job I have worked throughout my education, with great people, that kept me. Yet, it has a limited association with my degree and honestly, when I budget for a few months: I just pay my rent, utilities and student loans. You know what that means? I don't do shit to keep the economy going because all I can do is keep my debt from standing on my face and stomping it's feet. Which sounds strangely like the stress of the last bubble burst: mortgages, in terms of money to spend and life to live and eventually in terms of the realization you bought more than you can pay for... It all sounded so nice in the beginning...

What I'm trying to say here is, it's unsustainable. We'll never own houses, we'll never buy anything with our own hard work. We'll buy credit. We'll use up our efforts just to get buy- and then use- faux money to get by some more and be stuck in this cycle forever.

I'm not suggesting all college graduates get a job. I'm suggesting admittance into college is more competitive, it costs less [let's face it, it's the new high school diploma... or it was in the 90s and now it's the second decade of the new millennium... and no, I didn't use spell check to spell that word you lazy asses. I can actually spell... and read], and higher degrees than "Bachelor" should be harder, more challenging and more specific in the way this degree was in the 60s, 70s, 80s.... I also suggest the US develops a new labor market so everyone doesn't have to go to college per se, but can actually produce goods and services at a fair rate. Let's face it, we can't all be academics. Someone needs to make the tools we use, the food we eat, create the infrastructure to get us there and enforce the societal laws necessary to make this all work.

Eh change...?

Either way, wait 4 years. No one has jobs. Everyone is getting more loans for more school. Eventually... this bubble will burst. I don't think it's so far off... and I don't think the US economy is prepared for putting us all in jail for debt. Or maybe it is. We do rank no. 1 in the world for jailing people...

to be cont.

Cinco de Birthday

It would appear I have fallen off the face of the Earth considering my lack of commitment to either of my blogs in the last few months. I have not (yet). I thought I'd drop a few lines about my Birthday/the day Mexico celebrates me.

Thus far, this has been a truly adult birthday. I did laundry. I paid bills. Ran errands. And as of now, I'm preparing to go to dinner with some friends who have for the past 4 or so years, gone to dinner with me on my Birthday. Which I might add is a blast. My friends are smart, they know I will never say no to food and/or wine, nor will I ever decline to sit around a table with them. Additionally, a group of them, knowing that my modes of transport tend to last me roughly 6 months- 1 year a piece, have been truly awesome in funding a new bicycle since- wait, did I ever tell you that I had 2 bicycles stolen in less than 2 weeks last summer? Well I did. And recently, when my current car's alternator belt went on a hiatus I was fairly annoyed that I didn't have a stand in bicycle. I love to ride a bike- even more so when it's not my only form of transport. So this has been a really great day which will no doubt end in much hilariousness and most likely, some form of debauchery.

This is my last birthday before I turn 30. I am not really afraid of aging so much as terrified of "middle age." I'm not really sure when you're officially considered middle aged, but I wish I could skip whatever that designated time period is all together and go straight to "old." Why you ask? I'm a bartender. I witness plenty of middle aged women and let me tell you, I like them the least as clients. It's like the awkward age of not giving up enough youth and wearing clothes and hairstyles that are unfitting. It's the age where if you're not married yet you start to lose your shit. It's the age of the first-life-partner-is-probably-going-to-need-to-go-oh-shit-I-have-a-mortgage-crisis. These women scare me. They scare me when they wear too small clothing from Aeropostale yet have feathered hair. They scare me when they come to the bar in at least twos as part of a large group but sit and and talk maliciously about the others before they arrive. I don't want to be catty and worried about trying to look young to impress some likely non-perfect "perfect" potential mate that probably doesn't exist anyway! I don't want to go through a divorce! I also don't want to be rude and mean to bartenders about "my" drink (that I'm literally calling by the wrong name) and yelling at them to make my madras (it was really a bay breeze) correctly! It's apparently inevitable. And what? It's not like middle age lasts a couple years like all the other groupings of years pre that do. My guess is it lasts about from about 40-60 (or something?) and only in the late middle to end of it do you get to start giving pep talks to younger people and start feeling like a tampon commercial- free and doing exactly what you want!

Here are some examples: between 18-21 you're still able to be a kid and screw things up. You get to use the excuse you're still learning to be a grown up in some manner. Between 21 and 25, again, you're still becoming a grown up but the exploits of 18-21 seem much more stupid. You may still be part of such exploits but they aren't as funny any more and you tend to keep the items lacking dignity to yourself- instead of posting them on facebook along with pictures of yourself that just shouldn't exist let alone be public. Now, 25-30. Expected to have pulled your shit together considerably and even if you haven't, unless you're a complete hot mess, everyone thinks you have. Still working out life goal kinks, still milling through the reasons to or not to live some place, take some job, still not making a million dollars and therefore struggling to pay all the loans for your awesome social science degree, and stuck in existential crisis mode constantly but it's still okay. Not in middle age though! That's not cool. That's the age of competition to have your shit together more than everyone else your age and if you don't you have to become a royal bitch to prove you have control over something.

I'd rather skip that all together and just be 80, waving a cane at people with long scary white hair like Charlie's Grandmother in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! I want to just be old and wise and curse like a trucker. I want to be my Grandmother, with the patience of a saint and the ability to tell jokes and stories faster and better than Margaret Cho.

So for this year, I'm totally going to enjoy that I'm not yet 30. Not because 30 scares me, or even 35 necessarily. Forty five however, needs to be a decade ahead or behind me at all times.

Shout out to Mexico! Love!

Ciao 2010...and back away from my rear-view mirror!

Goodbye 2010: Haven't you been a supreme pain in the ass?! 


In just a few more hours we can all pretend it did or didn't happen! Then we can all go about making it all happen, with adjustments! Wishing you all a wonderful New Year's Eve and an excellent and particularly good 2011! Remember kids: Take motrin tonight between sipping beverages at your classy parties! (see below. pilfered from google images.)

This year has been a bit of a toss up between ultimate glee and ultimate insanity. Chock full of nonsense of the best and worst sorts!  

Typically, I don't really make resolutions because I hate the idea of not completing a task at hand and resolutions are just the sort of tasks one does not complete. However, I've decided to do as such this year.  So... a list of things I'll be leaving behind and their replacement features.

1. Goodbye Belmar. Yep. I will not be frequenting your dingy, dirt floors, nor patron-ing your sopping wet bar. It's been a 12 year love affair and I am frankly, aging faster than you and your hipsters. Along with this comes...

1a. goodbye excessive whisky consumption

1b. goodbye excessive hangovers

1c. goodbye excessive exposure to binghamton's finest alcoholics and addicts

1d. in other more concise words: goodbye a large portion of the shit show currently called my life that 

is about to just be called "my life" without the shit show part!

2. Goodbye Neon. The subaru will be coming home. No, I didn't forget about it even with all of your jalopy charms. Although I will be forever grateful for your utility in times of need, I cannot say I will miss you. Except for, of course, the fiesta seating.

3. Goodbye closet full of mayhem. It's getting emptied and only filled with useful and necessary items in preparation for...

4. Goodbye Binghamton. I'll be leaving this year. It's time. You've been, as always, both excellent to me and vicious. I won't be moving back this time, although I am sure, I'll be home to see my family and friends. It's been a fun albeit tricky ride. Much love.

5. Goodbye phone and number. Yes, I think it's worn out it's welcome after all these years. It's time for a new one.

6. Goodbye no puppy pal for Rogue and hello new puppy. As soon as I move, I'm getting a new puppy pal for Rogue and I. We've earned a new pet! Perhaps a Bernese mt. dog? Ah, I dream big!

7. Goodbye to unnecessary complications/bullshit. If it requires extended and/or excessive effort on a regular basis, I'm giving it away for free at my going out of business giveaway! Act now and you can receive two complications for the price of one! That's right, that's 2 complications for the price of 1! A combined value of 8 hours of panic attacks and several weeks of WTF?! All yours! Free!          Hello peace of mind! 

8. Goodbye empty refrigerator. I'm actually eating real food this year!

9. Goodbye Born boots. I'm going to need to replace you this year. I'm shedding a tear now, and wondering if those boots could talk what would they say? Perhaps their new cousin will get it out of them...

10. Goodbye lack of exercise. Welcome back yoga and meditation. I've missed our quiet time. Don't worry, I won't be joining a gym or running any time soon! 

Happy New Year to one and all! I hope it is the best year you've ever had! Cheers!

New Blog...

I have very much neglected this blog...
I did however choose to start a new one which will deal with the ups and downs of life similarly to this but with MUCH more humor and shame.
Hot Mess Yourself.
Check it out...

I will, update this with the more mundane shortly!

some joy to counteract the prior malaise

Looking at the last blog... I have to say I had the response I suspected I would upon reading it. Word vomit rarely happens with me, not in this sense (I'm sure some of my closest friends would say it certainly does, but that's usually a half bottle of Jameson in.) Apologies. Or not? I still haven't ultimately decided on whether or not to delete it...

This summer has been chalk full of nonsense. It has been good. It has had it's moments of good, bad, ugly. I have had too many hangovers but I refuse to learn from those experiences.

In any event, when I'm not being a whiner, I do fun things. Here are a few of them...

I call this a Shaaktail. Yes, that is a gummy shark eating a king cake baby in an ocean of beverage. 

On the 4th of July some friends and I went to a baseball game. We stopped at the bar across the street for a beer beforehand. This sign was behind the bar... It was so amazing I had to capture it. I think it's maker probably had more than one of each of the items advertised! oh and for the record, it's totally affordable and entertaining to have beers at Mad Monks. Entirely. Do it.

I may or may not go to hell for this. Photo op with a doll that looks pretty damn real. This doll scares me.

Yoda was caught in a drug induced animal orgy

This has been a recurring game of the summer... 

I've been trying to play the ukulele. However, this is me playing it while a band was playing @ the local watering hole. Okay so I wasn't really playing it... i was holding it and staring longingly at the juke box.

A seahorse/mean award (Mean= Megan - g) came into my life.

I have many other entertaining and highly child-like things to share but... my laptop decided to hate bluetooth and I haven't uploaded everything. Soon however, the summer of spread the joy will have more visuals.... and more joy. And more gnomes. YES!

General Malaise...

Typically, I don't write much regarding myself personally. This is for two reasons: who the hell would give a damn? Why would I want anyone to know? I'm feeling particularly self-indulgent and selfish however, so you are forced to be punished should you chose to read this nonsense. I recommend skipping this one.

general malaise.
According to wikipedia:
Malaise (pronounced /məˈleɪz/, mal-aze) is a feeling of general discomfort or uneasiness, an "out of sorts" feeling, often the first indication of an infection or other disease. Malaise is often defined in medicinal research as a "general feeling of being unwell".
This is sort of where I'm at.

I named this summer, in the fashion that a band might label a tour, the "spread the fucking joy" summer. I decided that I should be as self-less as possible in the interest of trying to refocus some energy on the general well being of my fellow men. Thinking about that, it's really out of character for me- I love people a great deal all the time, but, I am also quite often disappointed by them resulting in a statement I have said perhaps a million times, and more than likely 2 million times:"I hate everyone." This is not a ramble on how I hate everyone, because I don't, and I'm not even disappointed with anyone currently for any particular reason(s).  People have been really great the last few months and seem relatively receptive to my forcing joy down their throats. And why wouldn't they be? Everyone likes to be happy and most people like to be childishly giddy. Aren't I a happy little elf? This is of course, not truly self-less. Humans are not altruistic, even when they think they are being so- all decisions are calculated even if unconsciously: we don't do anything without weighing the odds and figuring out the cost and gain of any given situation/action/reaction. So the self-lessness is out the window here. Regardless, I'm still into trying to make the world have more joy. I'm just being cranky.


I was about to state "the problem with this..." but I've stopped myself. There isn't really a problem with anything I just said. It is what it is. 


And now for the malaise.


In the process of making the summer very fun and silly, I think I may have emptied my own cache- and not in a speed things up and clean things up way. This morning I realized I forgot to mail an important thing to a friend who is getting married today. No, the wedding won't be disrupted by this, the show will go on. The world will not end. It's not the largest ordeal, but it's not small either. I've been neglecting to neglect things to the point where it's all one huge basket of neglect. All of this was set off by forgetting one thing?! Yes. And this is why, I try not to think over-think anything. Enter anxious mode. Remember the blog about space and hyperventilating? I'm being that girl with the paper bag. I think I will bring her back for this blog. There's something comforting about her even if she's just a cartoon.


Anxious mode is not a good place. It's the land of lost thoughts, time and motivation- or something of that nature. It puts a cramp in my joyousness... and paralysis on my social skills. This general feeling of ill-will is not conducive to spreading any fucking joy at all. But I feel it... the chest is pounding and the brain is ticking much too quickly for my normally lackadaisical pace. Yes, I'm fully aware of what is going on: negative cognitions, illogical ones, really unfair self-abusive ones. I'm recalling everything I've said or done in the last 10 years in an effort to... I don't know, point out to myself, masochistically, the things I may have (but probably didn't) completely screwed up. I'm whining quite a bit now, and this is why you shouldn't be reading this. Maybe I shouldn't post it. I probably will though, and then I'll take it down when I am feeling less self-absorbed and disgusted by it. 
Along with this comes me in rash decision mode. 
The possibilities for isolation are outstanding. I liken my brain to a scribble on any given day- I've said this a billion times. You can't really tell where the thoughts start or end and they are overlapping and ever-increasingly difficult to define. When I'm in anxious mode, the scribble becomes more like a blob. Yes. So the blob is oozing it's guts out in my head momentarily. I feel good about it. No. I hate it. I can't decide. I realize all of this will pass of course, and I will be completely fine and maybe a better person for it. I just have to make it through the malaise unscathed by my own temper.


My horoscope for this week, via astrobarry.com  is on point:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Commit your week to cleaning your slate of mindless time-sucks, perfunctory acquaintanceships and trivial concerns… in order to make plenty of room to have fun in the manner you find most pleasurable. Life is too short—and this crazy season too full of legitimate excuses to be anxious or bummed-out—to sacrifice those certain joys that brighten your days like no others. And it's perfectly understandable, Taurus, to be somewhat picky about the specifics, too. If you're going to consciously invest attention in bringing your inner child the ingredients for creating his/her own bliss, you should follow the recipe to the letter. Craving a hot-fudge sundae? Make sure you're using your favorite ice-cream in the world. Wanting a snazzy hairdo or stylish new outfit? Don't compromise on what you really want. On the prowl for an amorous fling? Forget about lowering your standards. Go for the one you're truly hot for. Sure, your act of holding-out could make it a bit harder to secure your most desired goodies. But when you finally succeed, at least your hands won't be full of the mediocre tokens you settled for. (Plus, the quest is part of the pleasure, don't you know.)


Funny, eh? I think this guy should be my life coach. He should just sit on my shoulder and tell me what to do.


Now that I've exorcised a few demons for your reading disgust, I think I'll go about my day. Paper bag in hand. Sunglasses at all times. I'll return with some joy shortly...

Things that make me Happy... in a child-like way (Part I)

1. Cookies. These ones.... I think France puts crack in their mainstream cookies. I know you say, not possible, after all it is France... well then, why is one far less than substantial?!

2. The scene that keeps being re-made in my rubber tree

                                     

3. Self-explanatory

                                     

4. creative outlets

5. I rebuilt this after finding it run over. It's from Kmart in the 70s and had poor reviews then... This summer I'm rebuilding a bike from the 50s as a project... oooh...

6. Seahorses and Creepy playing cards

Miss Frizzle Frazzled: Ancient Woman Wrecks Magic School Bus

In honor of the magic school bus, a blog... It is officially gone- the magic school bus. The magic school bus has been a pivotal part of the community since it's inception in 2008: driving home many an intoxicated folk, making it through blizzards, and traipsing the east coast in search of good food. Following it's assault at the intersection of Court and State Street last Wednesday, the magic school bus (otherwise known as my subaru outback or the Mom Mobile by Carson) was declared a total loss by my insurance company and towed to a scrap yard outside of Syracuse, NY where it will live out the rest of it's life being plucked away at by vultures seeking to repair their outbacks. The accident occurred because an elderly woman ran the red light. I don't think she saw it change perhaps as there as a large truck in front of her. I didn't actually speak to her or attempt to claim it against her- my insurance company quickly informed me she was underinsured (no collision) and she was already trying to claim it against me and they would fight it out. BAD KARMA! In the end, hopefully, justice will be served. Sadly, my car was mobile after the crash-  the car itself didn't look too bad after the collision, and I even drove it away and then to the repair/estimate the next day. It was a survivor! Alas, we must say goodbye to the Mom Mobile and let it rest in peace...

(as you can see, the damage looked minor... but I guess there were some underside things... suspension issues on the driver's side rear... for example the tire tilted in at the top due to a mangled strut another concern was that driving it may have led to the AWD being messed up due to the tire tilt... the check engine light was on for the FIRST TIME EVER! )

Now, I wasn't really excited to see my car go. I even cried a little, and not metaphorically... But out of this ordeal I did get a new magic school bus-- which we'll call the SHORT magic school bus as it isn't a wagon... It is also less of a sluggish car and more of a bullet. Yes, it did cost more... but I'm pleased to have found another AWD subaru: they are almost impossible to find used as people never sell them. Even when you do find them, they are typically very beat up and/or have such a high re-sale that they are very costly.  I realize many people are choosing smaller and more fuel effective cars (and yes, this one is more fuel efficient) but I'm into functionality and safety (sorry planet.)  The other car that ran into mine was a hyundai and it DID NOT look okay/ had to be towed away.  So here's the new super-fast, Mom with a Midlife Crisis Mobile. (My father quipped," You're going to kill yourself in this car. You better be careful!" This coming from a guy that drives race cars! He also asked me if I was going to street race with it in the same breath. He stated,"It'd be fun for you." Uhm? Yeah, but the insurance won't! Sheesh!)

Definitely an upgrade... At the same time, I have to admit, I'm nostalgic for the security of a some what large and very sturdy vehicle I mean think of all the tiny cars driving alongside tractor trailers in the world and then consider what might happen if say a tractor trailer ran into a ford focus? I'll opt for the larger car, or at least the faster one that can get out of the way before I'd take a tiny one. I secretly have always wanted a sports car anyway so this works out...Now let's just hope it survives the term of the loan!


And that friends, is why we don't AGE AND DRIVE! They've placed tighter restrictions on the length of time young people have to have a permit before getting a driver's license and I'm all for placing restrictions on the elderly. For example, a RE-TEST after 40 years of driving and every two years afterward. I mean we've all been behind an old person driving 20 in a 30 or 30 in a 55 because they just... move slower. We've all also witnessed elderly people cause near accidents (and accidents) in situations like this... I'm all for some sort of regulation to keep us safe from slower reflexes, poor eye sight and a general obliviousness to recent/modern rules and patterns of traffic!

And so... we say goodbye and start over! RIP MSB! xo

The Re-Occurring Dream

Dreams are funny things. I'm not talking about "dreams" as in our aspirations, but the left over synaptic firing that happens when we close our eyes at night. I always remember my dreams. At least the gist of them. I know a lot of people who never or rarely remember them. I feel sorry for them. I also have a strange connection with my sleeping universe in that I can wake myself up from dreams. This is a good or bad thing depending on how you look at it.
If the dream is really a nightmare, it's a good thing. I once dreamt I was being chopped up, or was about to be, by an elderly woman wielding a chainsaw. She had already cut up everyone else in the room, and by that I mean a 'lover' of sorts that I had somehow entangled myself with.  I was avoiding this fate by pretending I was dead. In a snap second I decided I had to get out of there and the move had to move fast to make it past her. I had blood and human tissue splatter all over and looked up to see her standing in a doorway with what I am assuming was maniacal laughter- at least that's how I imagined any words coming out of her mouth- and I JUMP as high as I can, some how jumping perfectly between the doorway and the chainsaw that is flying around. Then I realize, this is not possible stupid. Wake up. and I wake up. I'm a little scared so I call for my dog to come and sit near me. Then I rub my eyes and check my legs for giant cuts, get a glass of water and go back to bed. What's funny is the "not possible" element was me jumping between the doorway and the chainsaw- not the whole dream.

Now if the dream is really a good dream, I also wake myself in the same sort of state of disbelief. I once dreamt I was having a typical day, wandering the streets of some made-up mental city that was in part not made up- it had elements of places I've been just all combined plus some things I'd like to see in those places all combined into the perfect 'reality'. I run into some friends and we make plans to meet up later at a concert and have a few drinks. I continue my wandering and find my as-of-yet-met-in-my-waking-life- human that I am apparently engaged in a long term affectionate, but cheating relationship with. We decide we're going to finally leave our currently disgruntled partners. Insert faery tale like kiss...So I'm touched, and it's finally going to be okay, and I can stop lying and blah blah... then I say, this isn't real stupid. Wake up. I'm not condoning cheating here- I'm not doing it in my waking life or anything- I don't do that. It was that weird notion that whatever we had been through (and isn't it funny in dreams how there is a back story that is clear in the dream but makes no sense when you wake up), it was finally going to be a success and obviously from that perspective we were like Romeo and Juliet more or less except fate wasn't going to throw the Death card at us. Woohoo love and stuff. So when I wake up from this I'm disappointed that I didn't get to have the concert with my friends nor am I about to make out with the hottest person alive. Nope, just me, hugging my pillow and swallowing a motrin with a glass of water.

Everyone has them. At least one. I have two re-occurring dreams, or at least themes in dreams. Neither ever make sense and almost always end up the same. Sometimes they are ever-so-slightly different enough to fool me into thinking it's a different dream. Then comes the punch line.
The first one:

Jumping turned flying. Typically, some sort of small animal tells me to jump and reach the sky or jump up and get something from a tree. I always meet the animal, and lets call it a rabbit, because usually it is one, with disbelief. I can't jump. I'm afraid of heights. These are truths. I can't jump higher than a tree! I certainly can't fly and I don't really want to: I like the Earth. I don't like looking down at it in microscopic form. The urging of this animal to do this compels me to give it a try so I start jumping. Each jump gets more and more weightless until finally, I'm sort of floating. Then I realize I can't get back down. This is met with horror. It's also met with a small degree of excitement because I feel like I've mastered the art of weightlessness and nothing can really touch or catch me. I can't really tell what I want to do. I also realize at this point that this has happened before and I knew it was going to happen again- it's an unnatural and hidden talent of mine: I can defy gravity. I hate it in many ways because I really am afraid of heights and although I have faith in my ability once I'm up there, I long to be on the ground. Then it happens wake up stupid, you don't have to be afraid because you're dreaming and this is impossible. I have twists on this dream where I see a friend and show them how to do it. What's funny is I'm terrified and usually the friend really wants to know how so to hide my fear and to get someone up there performing this unnatural talent, I tell them to start jumping too and eventually we're floating around like we're in the bubbles in Wonka's factory. It's fun then, and sometimes I even fly to a large tower where I get a glass of wine, sit on the air as if I'm in a chair and sip it with who ever my partner in crime is. That's the wake up stupid part. Sometimes I can't show them how to jump right so they never can fly and I get really sad that I'm stuck up there forever, alone and without them. Another twist is suddenly I start tumbling to the ground at increasing speed. Just before I hit the bottom I bounce back up higher than ever and I start vomiting. Then I start choking on my vomit. Then comes the waking up part because I realize I'm not actually choking but actually have swallowed a feather from my pillow.Weird I know. I've never bothered looking this up because I'm afraid it means I need therapy.

The other dream is less clear because I don't think I play myself in this dream but more like different versions of myself. It changes from small me to adult me. I've had this dream as long as I can remember. I think it is why I've never liked to swim- diving into water especially annoys me and has never seemed fun to me at all. Gym class was my bane in grade school during swim time. I hated it. I could swim but pretended I couldn't just so I didn't have to jump into water that was above my head. Anyway, back to the dream. It always starts out with me in a car seat so I assume I am a small child. I'm in a car seat and it's winter. I'm riding in the car with my parents in the front and we are about to go over this bridge near my Aunt Carol's house. We are going home. The bridge is the sort that makes the whir sound from the car tires hitting it and I'm fairly sure it's metal, the whole thing including the road. Just as we turn to go on the bridge the car goes careening into the river. I'm stuck in the car seat and the car is filling up with water.  My parents have disappeared. My lungs ache and I am about to die from drowning. a few fish swim by... I notice they are happy, just swimming and wonder why I can't just swim away.
Suddenly I realize I have a knife and cut myself free. This wasn't an accident: I'm actually being followed by some evil enemy although it's more like a military and I'm more like an assassin that has information they want. I have to find my parents. They took them. I don't really think about the fact that I was a little kid 10 seconds ago and now I'm an adult again. A long adventure persists wherein I'm on the run. Sometimes I can't run and I keep falling only to look behind me and see a bus about to run me over so I roll to the side in the nick of time. Sometimes I'm hiding behind a wall of sandbags and shooting at them- maybe with a gun but usually with a bow and arrow. So I'm clearly an antiquated spy. Eventually I find my parents and run up to my father to tell him I'm being followed. This part never changes: He shoots me in the back of the head as I turn to look for my mother. Sometimes I say to myself, this has happened before, this is the ___ time he's shot you. My neck gets hot and my head starts to hurt. I run for my mother who is smoking a cigarette and tells me to take a shower because she can't take me to the doctor all filthy and covered in blood. I start to panic because it doesn't make sense. I try to gauge the extent of my injuries so I make the mistake of touching the back of my head and note a gaping hole and clumps of hair. The bullet pops out. It's actually a BB. I am less worried now- at least it wasn't a shot gun shell. I start trying to wash my neck and face and then it happens you are stupid. This is a dream. Wake up. When I wake up my face is usually wet from drool. Yes, gross I know but that's the truth. Blood on my face in a dream is drool in real life. I'm really upset at my father typically, for shooting me. I'm really pissed off at my mother for telling me to shower when I am missing part of my head. Then I'm just happy it's just the damn dream. I wash my face, drink a glass of water and go back to bed. The other possible way it works out is I just sit there after my father shoots me and wait to die. Yeah, dismal I know. But it's strange, he walks away apologizing and I pick up a toad and look at it while waiting to die. I don't do anything but sit there. Eventually I realize this can't be real because I'd be dead already: I've been bleeding like a sieve and it's all over everything. Wake up idiot. You're dreaming again. 
I haven't looked this up either because I'm sure Jung would say it points to parental issues: like we don't all have those.

What I have to wonder is how many people actually have these dreams? You know, re-occurring ones. If I can tell myself to wake up, why can't I change the outcome? I'll take any suggestions as to these answers and would love to hear your stories if you have any... until then, I'm taking a nap and hoping for a trip to a castle with a jester and all...

Image no. 1: from Mr. Preising's Dream Views Blogspot, 2010
Image no. 2: Pauline McGee, 1987

Tackling Sneezing... and Each Other.

So... I know you've all been patiently waiting for me to return to rambling about something more in the political argument segment (yes, that was sarcasm) so I'm going to do it... as cliche as it is, I'm going to talk about health care reform. I can't really begin to cover all the issues tied into this, otherwise you'd be reading a novel- and then you really wouldn't care- so forgive me for some points left out.
I have to say, I can't understand why ANYONE would be against providing adequate health care to every citizen in the country. I don't really care what political position you hold, or what your beliefs are. There's no reason to NOT support promoting life and health.

Now on to the arguments I've seen all over facebook the last few days...

This is a form of socialism/threat to "freedom"  Okay so I'm going to try to not be irate when considering this perspective. First of all, this is far from a socialist state... I have to wonder if anyone that makes this statement even knows what socialism is. Didn't the McCarthy Era end years ago? I mean really people, this is all you have to scream every time anyone makes a step toward social reform?

 In terms of a threat to freedom- remember the Patriot Act? Now that is an extreme threat to freedom in so many ways yet oddly enough, the people against health care reform are the ones that didn't even notice it passed. Nor did they seem to mind that in general, the previous administration, alloted power to the president to ignore congress and the judicial branch entirely (based on the notion of "unitary government" or at least, Bush's interpretation of such) as the president sees fit. This sounds more like a dictatorship (never mind socialism) than anything having to do with health care reform. The government still doesn't control the economy. That's a key part of socialism. In fact, I'd be willing to wager that the corporations control the government. Now that, should scare you all... I know it scares the hell out of me on a daily basis.

This is handing out benefits to the "lazy": I am not lazy. I have worked since I was 14 years old. I have paid medical bills that have exceeded my ability to pay, even having had some sent to collections and later paying them off with whatever extra cash I had. I work very hard but that doesn't mean I can afford, as a single person, to pay $300/month to insure myself.  Not to mention that although I pay in full to see a doctor if I have the flu, or pay in full to go to the dentist, I am generally treated sub par. I once asked a dentist, upon visiting for a cracked tooth, if she thought I would need my wisdom teeth out soon. Her response was," What do you want me to look at, you don't have insurance." I'm educated, I've been to college. I'm paying for that now. I pay rent, I pay for a vehicle, I pay taxes, I pay social security, I pay for my own food, I pay for utilities, I clothe myself... This means that even though I am a productive and contributing member in our nation, I simply don't make enough to meet these costs plus insurance. I don't mind paying taxes toward health care, but I simply cannot afford to spend even 25% of my wages to have insurance. Does that make me lazy? I am still the working class, however low on the spectrum I am compared to the CEOs of banks and Wall St. firms that just stole billions, who ironically, I am expected to help bail out with my menial (a comparative statement) pay while they complain about this bill.  Regardless as to income, we ALL deserve an equal opportunity to see a doctor when ill.

This isn't a game or a competition between classes: it's simply the right thing to do.This isn't a hand out to me. It's a thank you. It actually makes me proud for the fist time in years that our nation actually recognizes it has citizens instead of simply lofty goals for consumption of resources globally.

Now, lets get to the real point here: people think the term "social welfare" means "welfare" in terms of medicaid and food stamps. They think it refers to socialist food stamps (which may be my next band name as of this second.) Social welfare actually refers to the well-being of the social body. In order to have a productive and loyal social body (which is necessary to maintain strength as a nation) a state must ensure that body's well-being. I can say I full-heartedly agree that our current "welfare" system is seriously flawed and I can honestly say I support drug testing and checking in on persons that collect medicaid and food stamps for over a year to see if they've applied for jobs or have attempted to get an education or skill through the various programs offered to help these people get on their feet. I can't tell you the number of times someone has offered to sell me their food stamps with a case of beer in their hand.  Yes, that, is a wild abuse of federal money: unchecked recipients of full-on benefits paid for by you and yours truly. The problem is... the current welfare system hasn't been reformed in YEARS, it isn't up to snuff. Social welfare programs that might aim to reform this are constantly cut from the federal budget in lieu of military spending (or saving the economy...) and those programs would also be targeting education and other programs that might curb this behavior. Those programs also mean a "middle-step" program for the working class that can't afford medical coverage. I mean think about it: I work full time and can't afford medical benefits. If I were collecting food stamps and medical benefits and went to work only to find I can now afford food but no doctor... why would I work? So while I understand the frustration with "welfare" as we know it... That is not what anyone is talking about with health care reform. What health care reform is about is our future. Our social body and our well-being as individuals so we can be as strong a population as possible. (Whether or not the US being a strong state again is something I really have conflicting ideas about for the sake of this aspect of the argument... I support it.) Stop calling me and all the other working class people who can't afford medical coverage lazy: we can all call ourselves lazy and selfish for not having addressed this 20 years ago.
* To clarify: I am not talking about someone temporarily collecting welfare benefits to get on their feet. Nor am I talking about the disabled. I am supportive of a state helping its citizens realize their potential and I am supportive of a nation state taking care of it's less advantaged. Actually, according to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (which the US signed), Article 25, a state has the responsibility to provide adequate health care to it's citizens. This means ALL of them. (I urge you all to read that Declaration, you'd be amazed at exactly how many articles the US is violating: Universal Declaration of Human Rights)

This is an economic disaster in the making The free market. Let's consider some of the basics of such, in particular the fact that competitive pricing drives prices down. Now, a public option will in fact force large insurance carriers to offer competitive pricing to it's customers. Is this a bad thing? It may even allow for smaller start ups to begin and therefore produce more jobs. I understand that businesses are afraid of being "forced" to help cover the cost of insuring employees. I just don't understand why to the fullest extent: A healthy employee is a happier and more productive being. More detail in next segment...

Great, wait times will be longer at the doctor Have they ever been short?! I also can't believe the complete selfishness in this commentary. So, you're saying you'd rather see a child die because their parents couldn't afford to take them to the doctor than wait for your annual check up appointment? I understand the issue with the plan perhaps over-booking doctors/nurses/medical personnel. It's my feeling that along with this, the government should be taking some of the money we spend sending our countrypersons overseas to fight in the name of... I'm not sure what... in a completely futile war, should be spent paying for medical personnel educations (jobs for educators) as well as to help ensure they have the proper equipment and tools to complete their jobs (jobs for medical equipment sales._ This means bringing home the troops, ending the wars and focusing on our state, and our citizens instead of worrying about what other states are doing. *Let me insert here that I have NOTHING against our troops so let me explain before you start yelling at me for being "unpatriotic": I believe the wars shouldn't have been fought to begin with. I commend the courage and efforts of our brothers and sisters that help defend our nation. What I don't commend is a government that goes to war senselessly and thinks so little of human rights- including our soldiers': don't forget their treatment upon returning home by good old Uncle Sam. It also means focusing on creation of facilities (jobs in construction.) It also means targeting the scams that pharmaceutical companies have been pulling for years via over-charging and holding onto valuable medicines. I realize this is a lot to ask but doesn't it piss you off at all that antibiotics cost so damn much? What about cancer drugs? I mean we're talking about life and death in many cases all because someone "owns" the rights to a drug and can control the price. This is a huge part of the problem.
Oh and I'd like to see ERs stop charging people $100 for motrin. Bastards.

The problem here is we've made the field of medicine so commercial, at least in terms of pharmaceuticals and medications... it has lost it's roots: helping the ill and saving lives. This is an important part of reform. I really can't think of how ANYONE besides a pharmaceutical corporation could disagree, regardless as to your stance on politics or social welfare in general.   *Let me state here I am not talking about all of the doctors and nurses that bust their arses to help people every day. I'm talking about the cost of their educations, malpractice insurance, and cost of operation- all of which are largely controlled by much more powerful sources/corporations. I am also hyper-aware of the commercialization of education and believe me, I know the cost hurts.

All the screaming of racial slurs and homophobic statements.  I can't say anything about this. The people that do this speak for themselves as uneducated fools. I really think this clinging to one's self never works... I mean maybe it makes you feel like part of the group for a while. In the end, he who stands alone is the first to fall.

In the end, I have to say, I think this was a long time coming. I believe that this country has waited far too long on this issue. I do not think the current bill is perfect. I do not think it will solve everything. I do think it opens to door to more discussion and more reform. I think it's a start on a very long road of the recovery of the America we were taught to believe in as children: the reformist, progressive, adaptable nation. The former colony that rid itself of poor treatment from it's leaders when England refused to take care of it's people. This isn't about right or left. This is about human beings and about the responsibility of a government to it's peoples. It's time to go back to loving each other and supporting our nation. That means all people in our nation. It's important to ensure our childrens future. It's important for unity. After all, we can fight together or we can fight apart but in the end....  fighting with each other instead of addressing the problem(s) really doesn't seem intelligent. It's time we stand together and start rebuilding. Tomorrow isn't far beyond the horizon...
Until next time, I wish you all good health and happy days,
Scrappy

All images once again pilfered from google images. 

Space and Hyperventilating

Although my blog was taken over by the restoration of the restaurant for 6 weeks, it is now returning to it's regularly scheduled program as the restaurant is now up and running! Stop in and get yourself a drink and a meal!! We're all very excited and looking forward to things returning to normal- if you can call the LDC that! Thank you to everyone! 
***Please be advised that this blog will now revert to it's initial state: including massive doses of sarcasm, politics, cursing-  even making up new and interesting curse words- and lastly, general random thoughts that in all likelihood, no one but me cares about. If you were just checking in to check on the LDC, thanks for dropping by but feel free to censor my rambling out in the future... 

I was contemplating a blog on space... why? Space used to make me hyperventilate when I was a kid. No seriously, I'd literally hyperventilate in the car... and now, if I really think about it... it probably still would. 
It all started because my science teacher in 4th grade told us that the sun could have solar flares and that a meteor could hit the Earth at any time.  This insight led to my little kid brain freaking out completely and honestly believing that we would all be dead in the next 24 hours if I didn't do something to stop it. Ironically, prior to this knowledge I really wanted to be an astronaut. I didn't think space was dangerous, I thought it was curious and full of new things to see. And of course I took great pride in memorizing all the planets, trying to learn every constellation out there, and even attempting to learn about the planets' various moons and the length of each "day."  I learned we really don't know anything about space. Except that it's dangerous out there. The sun can give us sunburn AND potentially create an Earth-sized bonfire. Star Trek isn't real, neither Kirk nor Picard could save me from being disconnected from my space shuttle.  Space is still growing and it'd be easy to get lost if I went on a space mission. Suddenly choosing a profession like "fireman" was making a lot more sense to me. Except, I had this nagging feeling that it wasn't safe for anyone here either. 


Around the same time I started actually contemplating song lyrics and became terrified by Bowie's "Ground Control to Major Tom"(otherwise known to the human race as... fair enough, I get it: Space Oddity). That was the icing on the cake. Done. If I went into space I'd probably be forever disconnected from the entire planet and lost. Eventually I'd run out of air and die. Holding my breath wouldn't help- I asked my Dad, who had no clue what I was talking about and inadvertently just told me,"If you were in space in a car, in a space ship, in anything, if you didn't have oxygen you couldn't breathe." He had no idea all of my questions about whether the car was "air tight" or if you could breathe your breath back and forth with someone else forever were spawned from legitimate fears of the end of the planet. Over. No more space fantasies. 


I was also unintentionally and completely unknown to myself meditating occasionally when I was a kid. I only realized much later in life when I started teaching myself to meditate that that is what I was doing. Mainly, I'd do it on the bus or in the car, staring out the window as things passed by. I'd be off in my old world- thinking without doing so- and I'd suddenly have this feeling like I "got it", so I'd be frantically trying to recollect what I was thinking or what it was I "got" and could never fully do it. Then I'd try to get to that point again but of course, you can't when you're forcing it... It made me either really excited or really nervous. Really nervous...Really excited. I wasn't sure which.  I was certain (incorrectly of course) I knew how everything worked- without words or explanation, or even knowing what this "everything" was since I had no idea where my brain had veered- but I absolutely had to figure it out so I could tell someone. Anyone. They could validate it and then I'd know why I was on Earth, what Earth was doing, and maybe then space wouldn't be so scary... 

Close your eyes and consider this: You are floating outside the Earth looking back at it. Could you even do it? I mean yes, you probably envisioned whatever satellite picture you've seen of Earth from space and you're thinking I'm an asshole for asking if you could do it. Okay, now really envision you are NOT on Earth and you are just looking at it. The actual thing. Not a picture. Okay, now slowly consider turning your back on Earth. Nope, can't see it... just endless nothing-something out there. Now you're floating away, you turn back to grab a glance and the Earth looks like a levitating beach ball floating in nothing-something. There is nothing protecting this beach ball from anything. It just is. It's just there. There are billions of people meandering around living in their 'little world', and that whole big mess is floating unprotected and in the most insignificant way possible in a potentially infinite amount of nothing-something. Oh and you're alone while they're doing that. Just you and the nothing-something. What's at the edge of that? No clue. Is there an edge? How could we ever know when all science and math is created based on man's constructed tools of measure? What if one isn't one?! Then everything is wrong: nothing is anything but a representation of something which makes no sense if the representation is less than accurate by even a hair. Unless of course, we're satisfied with "good enough." For the most part, we are.

This is where I'd start hyperventilating as a kid. This is where I still hyperventilate when I'm really focusing on it, and not just because of space but because it brings forth an infinite number of questions regarding existence and reality (hence the blog name.) Luckily right now I'm too busy typing and living in my own little 'world' to be really seriously considering the complete lack of security the Earth in and of itself offers (let alone the effects of the things that exist on Earth) because it's just another insignificant thing floating in nothing-something with all the other insignificant things floating out there- even if we rarely consider that because we're too absorbed in our day to day lives. Which really, in the context of space, don't really exist. I mean they do but only in the sense that a spec of dust behind a chair does. 


The forever horrifying part:  The non-point point....
Frantically searching and analyzing every little thing to find a "point" to it "all". Good luck. You're crazy if you even want to know. My fear as a kid was that I'd realize there wasn't one- I (we) am (are) insignificant- and I am pretty sure it still is... space is endless and infinite. We like to think it's "there" and we're safely "here" but really, we're part of it. More than likely, a completely insignificant part of it and the 'point' is probably not quite as abstract let alone as important as we'd like to think. So all of the things we do to "improve" and "advance" and make Earth "better"... moot. At least from a big picture point of view, and by that I mean REALLY BIG picture. However, if I stick to not thinking about space, I remember there's here and now. After all, it's the day to day meandering that makes our lives our lives, right? Right? I'll settle on that in lieu of hyperventilating for today. 

All images pilfered from google images. None of them belong to me except the feeling the cartoon girl has in her chest as she breathes into that paper bag...