"Coming into your Own"

This posted started as an email to a good friend of mine... The internet never saved the initial draft but it certainly had me thinking...
Last year I turned 30 and with that came the expected "coming into your own" expectations... Hence, why it was all too expected.
I've never really been good at that: doing what is expected. As much as I haven't been sheltered, I also have been. I've been totally sheltered by the opposite of what my parents would have wanted. and as an anxious result, simply sheltered myself.
I've had a really hard last few years. Not the kind where I feel sad about myself or life but the kind where I seriously don't "get it." I've educated myself and surpassed myself in a strange way... leading to  where I never really even "get" myself.  I've learned the keys to the tools of normal and function but... I kind of don't care! It worries me at my age because I guess, or I perceive, that I should honestly care. I probably care too much & it comes off as not caring at all (blah. blah. blah.) I'm never really sure. I hate philosophical debates and yet, I've curiously enough drawn myself into one.
I dream a lot about the circus. Last night I had the most vivid dream about a troupe of people bicycling in to this small wooded area with tiny tents that held images of their acts. As they pulled in they started to dress and act as I wrote some poems about the acts... yesterday I woke up and wrote down what I dreamt as if I were taking notes on curing hatred. Today I awoke at 3:03am and dreamt much the same thing and woke up reciting some other poem about the actions of these actors... people... kin...

I suppose I worry that I have "never grow up" syndrome. I have all the classic symptoms: failure to commit to any one thing, failure to use intellect to surpass placement, failure to grow given change... but I never feel that way. I always feel oddly, like I am where I am supposed to be. I'm strangely okay and comfortable never trying to trump my peers.  It's the anxiety of that lack of competition that plagues me. I don't even know why. Does any one person really?

As much as I may "want" to, I don't really care that much about achieving above and beyond anyone as I care about watching the circus. It's colorful and real and flawed and perfect. No expects anything beyond the unexpected. Call it lack of inspiration or lack of energy (lord knows, I have seasonal depression which I'd take any day to my supposed inherited bipolar disorder), call it my lack of drive or inspiration, call it my lack of education or will to succeed... I really like the fucking circus. And I don't honestly care what anyone thinks.

If it were a perfect world, I'd live in the forest and no one would ever know me. Yet, that's only my perfect world and other people live in it. Some amazing people do. They inspire me every day. We're all beautifully full of flaws and guffaws and hugs, kisses and pointed fingers. We're full of mistakes and things to say and full of encouragement and discouragement... Hell... nothing exists without the other and thank living for that. That's reality. I love it's lack of predictability and lack of terra firma. I like the excitement of just living to enjoy it. It's critiqued, it's maybe "lazy" to some... but frankly, it's real life. It's underrated. You worry about stock and I'll plan our next potluck for when you're broke. I like my judged life even when I take 4 ativan to relieve myself enough to talk about it. I secretly like my supposed failings. I may still be at the stage of denying it face to face but I LOVE IT. I'm weird. It's fine. I love the weird. I love the normal. I pretty much love everything but the pressure to "get" it. I love you.

So for this new year I promise to be less hard on you. Promise in return, to do the same to your friends, lovers and acquaintances. We all earned it. After all.. who isn't really the bearded lady? Maybe someday, we'll all "come into our own" without trying so damn hard and then we'll all actually know what the fuck that means.

Happy 2013, My Loves!

Social Demise and Inconsistent Babble

So it has been a half year since I last rambled -likely much to the disdain of anyone accidentally stumbling upon this page. I was trying to remember all of the interesting things that may have happened since then and I have to admit, my memory is not really up to it.
A few highlights however...
1. We officially opened our new lounge at the Lost Dog this weekend. A labour of love! It looks fantastic and I'm excited to see how it does. I'm also a little apprehensive of what new and unusual circumstances will arise from the addition.
2. I turned 30. It was exactly like I expected it to be. I did however, have a really fun birthday that involved French food and wine & a Feist concert with two of the best friends a human being could ask for. To be fair, my birthday lasted 5 days. I spent it in NY with my best friend and we meandered around much of Queens. She lives in Astoria, and I haven't had much time to visit and see what her life and neighborhood are like, so it was a special treat.  I did a Jameson quality test at each Irish pub I happened to come across: I give Astoria a two thumbs up for Jameson quality. I was also luck enough to be in NY at the same time a friend of mine that lives in Paris presently was visiting so I got to catch up with her too. Overall, it was a whirlwind of 5 days that I will definitely never forget!
3. I briefly considered fleeing the state a couple of months ago. You know, the sort of fleeing where you don't tell anyone where you are going or what you are doing until you are there doing it? I think a lot of people make jokes about doing this- I certainly have in the past- but I seriously considered it to the point of taking the beginning steps of organizing my attic so I might begin to pack. I also started shedding a reasonable chunk of my belongings. I suppose I was thinking it would be great to be a free spirit or whatever it is people with less anxiety over responsibility call it. I'm still not completely abandoning the idea.
4. I've come to the conclusion that people under the age of 25 or 26 are socially addicted to their i"device name"s. I enjoy my iphone as much as the next person but it seems like a social disease that has resulted in the creation of social Rs. Here are just a few examples of instances that make me believe the overall IQ and emotional IQ of the nation are plummeting:

• "Do you want to go to dinner and broadcast it/text each other about it while it's happening?" Working in the restaurant I watch 4 kids sit together and not speak. They just play with their phones. Are they texting each other? I mean, why even bother going out to eat if you are more interested in anything and everything else going on in the world? Yes, I know, it's available. That's just the point. It's available ALL THE TIME. You can text or call or facebook ANYTIME. You are out to dinner to spend time with your friends. If you'd rather make sweet love to your iphone, go home. 
• "I know I've been ignoring you in lieu of my iBestfriend but I demand your attention NOW!" Don't expect a server, cashier, receptionist, whatever service industry worker you can think of to pay attention to you while you're either talking on or staring at your phone. It's rude. Get some manners. Grow up.
• "Look at me! I go places! I have friends!"What is with checking in? Is it because you want everyone to know you go places? Who actually cares? Are you just trying to get attention? I block requests to be checked in to any place. I also only ever check into my house and only do it as a joke. I do not appreciate everyone knowing what and where I'm doing with who. I also don't appreciate people that appreciate letting everyone know this. If your ego needs a boost, perhaps you should get a therapist. Get a new tshirt... And for the love of god don't tag me in photos when I'm clearly doing something that isn't really public friendly. Try a little tact. (Also a feature I have blocked.)
• "I'd like to tell you about my very specific needs at work." Don't text me about work. Period. Unless you are the owner of my place of employment, it's frankly not appropriate. Call. I have resolved to never answer any work related texts from now until the end of time from staff members. If you can't be bothered to dial the phone and, like an adult, address whatever issue, I can't be bothered to recognize your issue. I will delete it and say I never received it. 
• "I have a problem/issue with you so I'm going to text you a novel." Don't send me paragraphs of text messages about serious issues. I've been guilty of having been suckered into this type of conversation a few times and every time, I regret it. What you actually means never gets said because it's lost in a jumble of shortened phrases. Again, call. Meet in person. Resolve the situation without hiding behind your iShield. 
• Please do send me messages that consist of emoticons or short synapses of hilarity. These are always appreciated. 
• "Look, I'm using my phone! I know you know I am because you can hear me in Siberia!" Talking out loud into your phone in a social place. Just don't do it. Don't ask Siri directions loudly. If you must talk to someone to relay a message, keep it brief and at a volume that is acceptable to everyone around you. If you are expecting a call and are in public, turn the ringer either off and set vibrate. No one cares that you have a phone. We all have one. No one cares about your personal issues or the fact that your phone can talk back. I do understand though, why your best friend is your phone now. I'm sorry for your losses. 
• Please use your phone for directions instead of asking me for them 50 times. I mean seriously, you can figure out how to blab your entire personal life to the world but haven't taken one second to figure out how to use the features that are actually useful on your device? 

• "Your phone was there so I read it. Here's my opinion. [Insert creation of real life drama that was prior unnecessary]" This is probably the worst thing I can think of. Seriously?? Does it not go without saying that you have no business reading other peoples' phones for any reason? Does it also not go without saying that it's also not your job to then draw conclusions and attempt to moderate social situations that have absolutely nothing to do with you? I am really happy I figured out how to make it so my messages don't even show up on the face of my phone and to password protect it. The fact that I had to do that- or that those features had to be created even- because people are nosey meddlers with absolutely no boundaries is pathetic.  Does this instant access world really mean personal boundaries are out the window? I certainly have never believed that, but then I have a lot of respect for my actual relationships with actual human beings. And for those of you that have had interest in my texts, comments, facebook, whatever... yes... I am talking in text messages. I'm texting all about you. I'm texting people you know about things you don't even know about. Go gossip about that. 

That should about do it! I need to create a perfect snack for the Game of Thrones finale! I also need to cuddle with my dog.

Until next time...

Scrappy

Forever yours, procrastination

I seem to be an extremely poor blogger. This is in part because I haven't been finishing things I've started and in part because I have been writing with an ancient device called a pen for a while now. I have a few friends that are "writers" who have tried endlessly to convince me that typing is easier and faster. I agree that it is faster. However, I am not so certain it's easier. I can truly say I enjoy the feel of a pen on a piece of paper and this makes the task easier.

I also have been watching television. About a year ago I decided that getting a satellite dish was a great idea. Mind you, I hadn't owned a tv in almost 10 years leading up to that (although I did briefly utilize one that a friend left with me for watching dvds), and owning a tv has proved a HUGE distractor to actually getting anything done at all. I am grateful for DVR. I hate commercials. Hate them. The ability to fast forward through them is a revolution in getting people like me, who hate sitting through people trying to cram things down your throat, to watch tv. I don't even understand most commercials: how the commercial is actually related to the product is completely lost on me. There have been many times that I thought the commercial was a joke or a short film until realizing that all those dancing people really wanted me to eat fried food.
The other thing with DVR is that it allows me to watch marathons of Criminal Minds, Law and Order: SVU, 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation shamelessly for hours on end. This is both comforting and disturbing at the same time. While I can easily watch tv all day- as long as I have plenty of food and beverage- I easily waste entire days doing so. Ah technology. I need to program my tv to turn off after 3 hours and not be able to turn back on for another 3.

The fall is coming to a close and the air is brisk. I've already been contemplating plans for sledding (it snowed on Halloween!) and what boots I should purchase for the coming freeze over. It appears after being vomited on, sliced and worn to no tread, my favorite boots are begging for a replacement. It's the worst break up I've ever had. I enjoy the seasons changing and the only complaint I have is that fall only lasts a few weeks. I want the trees to hold their colorful leaves a bit longer! I want it to be 50 outside for a while, not just suddenly be 30- I feel like my wardrobe suffers substantially from a deficit of extreme temperature clothing. After all, don't we just want to be comfortable?!

As a final note I'd like to clarify: everyone should sew up their pockets. Otherwise, you may or may not lose your cell phone and inquiring minds may or may not go through your texts in an effort to identify you. Yes, it's bullshit- texts do not identify telephone owner- but snoopy people do in fact, read your things. So please, for the sake of your own sanity and for the disdain of awkward times- sew your pockets closed!

Wolf-People and Cute Noses

It's been a long time since I posted a blog... yet again. So call it people: I'm a failure at keeping up with this. I will state for the record that a large reason for that is that I do not have a consistent internet connection due to my extreme disinterest in paying for internet. It's fine for occasional googling but writing blogs and doing anything (I'm really sorry I never reply to emails anymore. I legitimately only send one line iphone responses) that requires stability tends to be much more sketchy. Now, I'll stop with the excuses and get on with the actual blog.

What's going on, you ask? Right now absolutely nothing. Rogue and I just finished a couple hours of playing ball in the backyard and now she's rolling around in the sunshine on the floor.  The last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster by all accounts and giving details would just be wasteful of the few minutes I may scrounge up to type.

I will say that one thing remains very consistent: where ever I am, whatever I am doing, the crack-iest, strangest human beings find me. I was recently in NY visiting some lovely friends of mine. Upon getting off the bus at Port Authority I walked up to 42nd Street to have a smoke. As I'm standing there a guy walks up to me and looks as if he is about to touch my nose, but doesn't. he then says something that sounded like,"garble garble" I say, of course, "what?!" He turns around and says," Your nose. It's very cute." And... thank you for not touching it. NY is a wonderful place to visit but it's coated in dirt and grime and the germs of millions. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. (So for the love of god, STOP taking lotion samples from people on the street. You're only adding to the odds of being part of a mass epidemic!) And thank you NY, for not touching my nose. I guess I should thank you for not asking me for a cigarette too because they cost a lot of money in that fair city... but wait, I spoke too soon because I did get asked for a cigarette the next day while sitting outside a pub. When I shook my empty pack and indicated that it was, well, empty the gent stared at me. I then repeated, "I'm sorry, I don't have any left" and he became very disgruntled and said angrily," I was asking for a cigarette." Ok... what part about that exchange was unclear? The visual? The explanation of the visual? I then became extremely confused and decided the best course of action was to ignore everyone and return to my beer. It was effective.

I was, for some time, attempting a vegan, gluten-free diet. If you know me you know that is impossible for me so we'll leave it at that. I did make it 10 days however, and I was proud enough of that.

I've been listening to a lot of really old blues and folk of late. And my crush on Jack White has not waned remotely.

I would like to know if a human has been successfully cloned because I have made the decision to clone myself so I will in about 20 years, have someone to date. I'd like my clone to have darker hair. That's the only stipulation. I would also like my clone to be raised by wolf-people that speak 3 languages.

On that note... this completely random blog is complete.
I swear, I'll be better... maybe.

Our New Economic Bubble... as told from a mere plebe (not from the military... as in "commoner") Part I

I went to the University in the US. I actually learned a great deal and found the experience, in terms of education, largely enlightening and largely "educational". I did not however, find it to help me in life in general. In fact, I'm doing the exact same things I was doing pre-owing-everyone-I-know-even-just-in-paper, except now with debt. Personally, I learned a lot of things. However, there seems to be no place to use this education in the huge way I was informed I'd be able to, unless of course, I choose the route of further academia. Fine. I like school. I love learning. I love mental challenges. I love the idea of pushing ideas beyond known limits... hell, I even... I love deadlines. You know what I don't like? Debt.

In the last year or so I've discussed undergraduate debt with many people from many universities and it always comes back to the same issue... we're screwed. The US economy is not hiring. You can't get a job at Burger King due to "over qualification" and you can't get a job in your undergraduate field due to "more experienced individuals" (AKA so many people advanced have been laid off in their fields that they can get non-entry level applicants to work for half the price). So our option? More school. More loans. Make that artificial economy grow!

I'm no economist but I have to wonder... this is going to have to hit a wall, right?! Universities are going to have to be more selective, right?! I went to SUNY's "Ivy" Binghamton and I have to admit, I don't know how 1/2 the students got in: "like" abuse is rampant, the focus on getting to school in pajamas was the norm and most disturbingly, the arguing over test grades was tolerated. REALLY? This is higher education? Is it so easily bought and owed? OWED being the hard part for those of us that speak proper english, wear actual pants to class (yes, we got up that early), and when we didn't do as well as we liked, contacted the professor about extra credit as opposed to arguing the professor's ability to grade vs our failure to READ. (No seriously, the world famous Walden Bello taught a class I took my last year at Binghamton Slobiveristy and I was EMBARRASSED at my peers...) Spoiled. But hey, it's all on credit and all too expected, which isn't really anyone's fault... or is it?

The really screwed up part [a later post will address the actual student populous and the lack of "give a damn" about their education or their lack of feeling grateful for the opportunity and why I understand that yet am disturbed by it] here is it's all paid for by credit. Either the parents of, or the student, have borrowed money to do it. A few are luck enough to have parents that actually paid for it via check and in full. Even those people however, rarely work jobs along with their education and take out loans in some form for living. After the four years (and I admit, with summer, it only takes 2.5-3-summer costs more), you owe a reasonable hunk of change.

Let me remind the reader, this is a public school. It doesn't even touch Cornell, Columbia, etc...
Let me also state, I grew up poor. Paying for school for me meant working full time and taking classes full time the entire time I was in school. It was tiring, but I appreciated it.

Phase II: you graduate and without an actual "in" ( a family connection, a friend connection)... you are screwed. You could have been the most brilliant student with the best questions ever and you really... You get to work long and/or awkward hours to: get by and job hunt. I'm lucky, I have a great job I have worked throughout my education, with great people, that kept me. Yet, it has a limited association with my degree and honestly, when I budget for a few months: I just pay my rent, utilities and student loans. You know what that means? I don't do shit to keep the economy going because all I can do is keep my debt from standing on my face and stomping it's feet. Which sounds strangely like the stress of the last bubble burst: mortgages, in terms of money to spend and life to live and eventually in terms of the realization you bought more than you can pay for... It all sounded so nice in the beginning...

What I'm trying to say here is, it's unsustainable. We'll never own houses, we'll never buy anything with our own hard work. We'll buy credit. We'll use up our efforts just to get buy- and then use- faux money to get by some more and be stuck in this cycle forever.

I'm not suggesting all college graduates get a job. I'm suggesting admittance into college is more competitive, it costs less [let's face it, it's the new high school diploma... or it was in the 90s and now it's the second decade of the new millennium... and no, I didn't use spell check to spell that word you lazy asses. I can actually spell... and read], and higher degrees than "Bachelor" should be harder, more challenging and more specific in the way this degree was in the 60s, 70s, 80s.... I also suggest the US develops a new labor market so everyone doesn't have to go to college per se, but can actually produce goods and services at a fair rate. Let's face it, we can't all be academics. Someone needs to make the tools we use, the food we eat, create the infrastructure to get us there and enforce the societal laws necessary to make this all work.

Eh change...?

Either way, wait 4 years. No one has jobs. Everyone is getting more loans for more school. Eventually... this bubble will burst. I don't think it's so far off... and I don't think the US economy is prepared for putting us all in jail for debt. Or maybe it is. We do rank no. 1 in the world for jailing people...

to be cont.

Cinco de Birthday

It would appear I have fallen off the face of the Earth considering my lack of commitment to either of my blogs in the last few months. I have not (yet). I thought I'd drop a few lines about my Birthday/the day Mexico celebrates me.

Thus far, this has been a truly adult birthday. I did laundry. I paid bills. Ran errands. And as of now, I'm preparing to go to dinner with some friends who have for the past 4 or so years, gone to dinner with me on my Birthday. Which I might add is a blast. My friends are smart, they know I will never say no to food and/or wine, nor will I ever decline to sit around a table with them. Additionally, a group of them, knowing that my modes of transport tend to last me roughly 6 months- 1 year a piece, have been truly awesome in funding a new bicycle since- wait, did I ever tell you that I had 2 bicycles stolen in less than 2 weeks last summer? Well I did. And recently, when my current car's alternator belt went on a hiatus I was fairly annoyed that I didn't have a stand in bicycle. I love to ride a bike- even more so when it's not my only form of transport. So this has been a really great day which will no doubt end in much hilariousness and most likely, some form of debauchery.

This is my last birthday before I turn 30. I am not really afraid of aging so much as terrified of "middle age." I'm not really sure when you're officially considered middle aged, but I wish I could skip whatever that designated time period is all together and go straight to "old." Why you ask? I'm a bartender. I witness plenty of middle aged women and let me tell you, I like them the least as clients. It's like the awkward age of not giving up enough youth and wearing clothes and hairstyles that are unfitting. It's the age where if you're not married yet you start to lose your shit. It's the age of the first-life-partner-is-probably-going-to-need-to-go-oh-shit-I-have-a-mortgage-crisis. These women scare me. They scare me when they wear too small clothing from Aeropostale yet have feathered hair. They scare me when they come to the bar in at least twos as part of a large group but sit and and talk maliciously about the others before they arrive. I don't want to be catty and worried about trying to look young to impress some likely non-perfect "perfect" potential mate that probably doesn't exist anyway! I don't want to go through a divorce! I also don't want to be rude and mean to bartenders about "my" drink (that I'm literally calling by the wrong name) and yelling at them to make my madras (it was really a bay breeze) correctly! It's apparently inevitable. And what? It's not like middle age lasts a couple years like all the other groupings of years pre that do. My guess is it lasts about from about 40-60 (or something?) and only in the late middle to end of it do you get to start giving pep talks to younger people and start feeling like a tampon commercial- free and doing exactly what you want!

Here are some examples: between 18-21 you're still able to be a kid and screw things up. You get to use the excuse you're still learning to be a grown up in some manner. Between 21 and 25, again, you're still becoming a grown up but the exploits of 18-21 seem much more stupid. You may still be part of such exploits but they aren't as funny any more and you tend to keep the items lacking dignity to yourself- instead of posting them on facebook along with pictures of yourself that just shouldn't exist let alone be public. Now, 25-30. Expected to have pulled your shit together considerably and even if you haven't, unless you're a complete hot mess, everyone thinks you have. Still working out life goal kinks, still milling through the reasons to or not to live some place, take some job, still not making a million dollars and therefore struggling to pay all the loans for your awesome social science degree, and stuck in existential crisis mode constantly but it's still okay. Not in middle age though! That's not cool. That's the age of competition to have your shit together more than everyone else your age and if you don't you have to become a royal bitch to prove you have control over something.

I'd rather skip that all together and just be 80, waving a cane at people with long scary white hair like Charlie's Grandmother in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! I want to just be old and wise and curse like a trucker. I want to be my Grandmother, with the patience of a saint and the ability to tell jokes and stories faster and better than Margaret Cho.

So for this year, I'm totally going to enjoy that I'm not yet 30. Not because 30 scares me, or even 35 necessarily. Forty five however, needs to be a decade ahead or behind me at all times.

Shout out to Mexico! Love!

Ciao 2010...and back away from my rear-view mirror!

Goodbye 2010: Haven't you been a supreme pain in the ass?! 


In just a few more hours we can all pretend it did or didn't happen! Then we can all go about making it all happen, with adjustments! Wishing you all a wonderful New Year's Eve and an excellent and particularly good 2011! Remember kids: Take motrin tonight between sipping beverages at your classy parties! (see below. pilfered from google images.)

This year has been a bit of a toss up between ultimate glee and ultimate insanity. Chock full of nonsense of the best and worst sorts!  

Typically, I don't really make resolutions because I hate the idea of not completing a task at hand and resolutions are just the sort of tasks one does not complete. However, I've decided to do as such this year.  So... a list of things I'll be leaving behind and their replacement features.

1. Goodbye Belmar. Yep. I will not be frequenting your dingy, dirt floors, nor patron-ing your sopping wet bar. It's been a 12 year love affair and I am frankly, aging faster than you and your hipsters. Along with this comes...

1a. goodbye excessive whisky consumption

1b. goodbye excessive hangovers

1c. goodbye excessive exposure to binghamton's finest alcoholics and addicts

1d. in other more concise words: goodbye a large portion of the shit show currently called my life that 

is about to just be called "my life" without the shit show part!

2. Goodbye Neon. The subaru will be coming home. No, I didn't forget about it even with all of your jalopy charms. Although I will be forever grateful for your utility in times of need, I cannot say I will miss you. Except for, of course, the fiesta seating.

3. Goodbye closet full of mayhem. It's getting emptied and only filled with useful and necessary items in preparation for...

4. Goodbye Binghamton. I'll be leaving this year. It's time. You've been, as always, both excellent to me and vicious. I won't be moving back this time, although I am sure, I'll be home to see my family and friends. It's been a fun albeit tricky ride. Much love.

5. Goodbye phone and number. Yes, I think it's worn out it's welcome after all these years. It's time for a new one.

6. Goodbye no puppy pal for Rogue and hello new puppy. As soon as I move, I'm getting a new puppy pal for Rogue and I. We've earned a new pet! Perhaps a Bernese mt. dog? Ah, I dream big!

7. Goodbye to unnecessary complications/bullshit. If it requires extended and/or excessive effort on a regular basis, I'm giving it away for free at my going out of business giveaway! Act now and you can receive two complications for the price of one! That's right, that's 2 complications for the price of 1! A combined value of 8 hours of panic attacks and several weeks of WTF?! All yours! Free!          Hello peace of mind! 

8. Goodbye empty refrigerator. I'm actually eating real food this year!

9. Goodbye Born boots. I'm going to need to replace you this year. I'm shedding a tear now, and wondering if those boots could talk what would they say? Perhaps their new cousin will get it out of them...

10. Goodbye lack of exercise. Welcome back yoga and meditation. I've missed our quiet time. Don't worry, I won't be joining a gym or running any time soon! 

Happy New Year to one and all! I hope it is the best year you've ever had! Cheers!

New Blog...

I have very much neglected this blog...
I did however choose to start a new one which will deal with the ups and downs of life similarly to this but with MUCH more humor and shame.
Hot Mess Yourself.
Check it out...

I will, update this with the more mundane shortly!

some joy to counteract the prior malaise

Looking at the last blog... I have to say I had the response I suspected I would upon reading it. Word vomit rarely happens with me, not in this sense (I'm sure some of my closest friends would say it certainly does, but that's usually a half bottle of Jameson in.) Apologies. Or not? I still haven't ultimately decided on whether or not to delete it...

This summer has been chalk full of nonsense. It has been good. It has had it's moments of good, bad, ugly. I have had too many hangovers but I refuse to learn from those experiences.

In any event, when I'm not being a whiner, I do fun things. Here are a few of them...

I call this a Shaaktail. Yes, that is a gummy shark eating a king cake baby in an ocean of beverage. 

On the 4th of July some friends and I went to a baseball game. We stopped at the bar across the street for a beer beforehand. This sign was behind the bar... It was so amazing I had to capture it. I think it's maker probably had more than one of each of the items advertised! oh and for the record, it's totally affordable and entertaining to have beers at Mad Monks. Entirely. Do it.

I may or may not go to hell for this. Photo op with a doll that looks pretty damn real. This doll scares me.

Yoda was caught in a drug induced animal orgy

This has been a recurring game of the summer... 

I've been trying to play the ukulele. However, this is me playing it while a band was playing @ the local watering hole. Okay so I wasn't really playing it... i was holding it and staring longingly at the juke box.

A seahorse/mean award (Mean= Megan - g) came into my life.

I have many other entertaining and highly child-like things to share but... my laptop decided to hate bluetooth and I haven't uploaded everything. Soon however, the summer of spread the joy will have more visuals.... and more joy. And more gnomes. YES!

General Malaise...

Typically, I don't write much regarding myself personally. This is for two reasons: who the hell would give a damn? Why would I want anyone to know? I'm feeling particularly self-indulgent and selfish however, so you are forced to be punished should you chose to read this nonsense. I recommend skipping this one.

general malaise.
According to wikipedia:
Malaise (pronounced /məˈleɪz/, mal-aze) is a feeling of general discomfort or uneasiness, an "out of sorts" feeling, often the first indication of an infection or other disease. Malaise is often defined in medicinal research as a "general feeling of being unwell".
This is sort of where I'm at.

I named this summer, in the fashion that a band might label a tour, the "spread the fucking joy" summer. I decided that I should be as self-less as possible in the interest of trying to refocus some energy on the general well being of my fellow men. Thinking about that, it's really out of character for me- I love people a great deal all the time, but, I am also quite often disappointed by them resulting in a statement I have said perhaps a million times, and more than likely 2 million times:"I hate everyone." This is not a ramble on how I hate everyone, because I don't, and I'm not even disappointed with anyone currently for any particular reason(s).  People have been really great the last few months and seem relatively receptive to my forcing joy down their throats. And why wouldn't they be? Everyone likes to be happy and most people like to be childishly giddy. Aren't I a happy little elf? This is of course, not truly self-less. Humans are not altruistic, even when they think they are being so- all decisions are calculated even if unconsciously: we don't do anything without weighing the odds and figuring out the cost and gain of any given situation/action/reaction. So the self-lessness is out the window here. Regardless, I'm still into trying to make the world have more joy. I'm just being cranky.


I was about to state "the problem with this..." but I've stopped myself. There isn't really a problem with anything I just said. It is what it is. 


And now for the malaise.


In the process of making the summer very fun and silly, I think I may have emptied my own cache- and not in a speed things up and clean things up way. This morning I realized I forgot to mail an important thing to a friend who is getting married today. No, the wedding won't be disrupted by this, the show will go on. The world will not end. It's not the largest ordeal, but it's not small either. I've been neglecting to neglect things to the point where it's all one huge basket of neglect. All of this was set off by forgetting one thing?! Yes. And this is why, I try not to think over-think anything. Enter anxious mode. Remember the blog about space and hyperventilating? I'm being that girl with the paper bag. I think I will bring her back for this blog. There's something comforting about her even if she's just a cartoon.


Anxious mode is not a good place. It's the land of lost thoughts, time and motivation- or something of that nature. It puts a cramp in my joyousness... and paralysis on my social skills. This general feeling of ill-will is not conducive to spreading any fucking joy at all. But I feel it... the chest is pounding and the brain is ticking much too quickly for my normally lackadaisical pace. Yes, I'm fully aware of what is going on: negative cognitions, illogical ones, really unfair self-abusive ones. I'm recalling everything I've said or done in the last 10 years in an effort to... I don't know, point out to myself, masochistically, the things I may have (but probably didn't) completely screwed up. I'm whining quite a bit now, and this is why you shouldn't be reading this. Maybe I shouldn't post it. I probably will though, and then I'll take it down when I am feeling less self-absorbed and disgusted by it. 
Along with this comes me in rash decision mode. 
The possibilities for isolation are outstanding. I liken my brain to a scribble on any given day- I've said this a billion times. You can't really tell where the thoughts start or end and they are overlapping and ever-increasingly difficult to define. When I'm in anxious mode, the scribble becomes more like a blob. Yes. So the blob is oozing it's guts out in my head momentarily. I feel good about it. No. I hate it. I can't decide. I realize all of this will pass of course, and I will be completely fine and maybe a better person for it. I just have to make it through the malaise unscathed by my own temper.


My horoscope for this week, via astrobarry.com  is on point:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Commit your week to cleaning your slate of mindless time-sucks, perfunctory acquaintanceships and trivial concerns… in order to make plenty of room to have fun in the manner you find most pleasurable. Life is too short—and this crazy season too full of legitimate excuses to be anxious or bummed-out—to sacrifice those certain joys that brighten your days like no others. And it's perfectly understandable, Taurus, to be somewhat picky about the specifics, too. If you're going to consciously invest attention in bringing your inner child the ingredients for creating his/her own bliss, you should follow the recipe to the letter. Craving a hot-fudge sundae? Make sure you're using your favorite ice-cream in the world. Wanting a snazzy hairdo or stylish new outfit? Don't compromise on what you really want. On the prowl for an amorous fling? Forget about lowering your standards. Go for the one you're truly hot for. Sure, your act of holding-out could make it a bit harder to secure your most desired goodies. But when you finally succeed, at least your hands won't be full of the mediocre tokens you settled for. (Plus, the quest is part of the pleasure, don't you know.)


Funny, eh? I think this guy should be my life coach. He should just sit on my shoulder and tell me what to do.


Now that I've exorcised a few demons for your reading disgust, I think I'll go about my day. Paper bag in hand. Sunglasses at all times. I'll return with some joy shortly...

Things that make me Happy... in a child-like way (Part I)

1. Cookies. These ones.... I think France puts crack in their mainstream cookies. I know you say, not possible, after all it is France... well then, why is one far less than substantial?!

2. The scene that keeps being re-made in my rubber tree

                                     

3. Self-explanatory

                                     

4. creative outlets

5. I rebuilt this after finding it run over. It's from Kmart in the 70s and had poor reviews then... This summer I'm rebuilding a bike from the 50s as a project... oooh...

6. Seahorses and Creepy playing cards

Miss Frizzle Frazzled: Ancient Woman Wrecks Magic School Bus

In honor of the magic school bus, a blog... It is officially gone- the magic school bus. The magic school bus has been a pivotal part of the community since it's inception in 2008: driving home many an intoxicated folk, making it through blizzards, and traipsing the east coast in search of good food. Following it's assault at the intersection of Court and State Street last Wednesday, the magic school bus (otherwise known as my subaru outback or the Mom Mobile by Carson) was declared a total loss by my insurance company and towed to a scrap yard outside of Syracuse, NY where it will live out the rest of it's life being plucked away at by vultures seeking to repair their outbacks. The accident occurred because an elderly woman ran the red light. I don't think she saw it change perhaps as there as a large truck in front of her. I didn't actually speak to her or attempt to claim it against her- my insurance company quickly informed me she was underinsured (no collision) and she was already trying to claim it against me and they would fight it out. BAD KARMA! In the end, hopefully, justice will be served. Sadly, my car was mobile after the crash-  the car itself didn't look too bad after the collision, and I even drove it away and then to the repair/estimate the next day. It was a survivor! Alas, we must say goodbye to the Mom Mobile and let it rest in peace...

(as you can see, the damage looked minor... but I guess there were some underside things... suspension issues on the driver's side rear... for example the tire tilted in at the top due to a mangled strut another concern was that driving it may have led to the AWD being messed up due to the tire tilt... the check engine light was on for the FIRST TIME EVER! )

Now, I wasn't really excited to see my car go. I even cried a little, and not metaphorically... But out of this ordeal I did get a new magic school bus-- which we'll call the SHORT magic school bus as it isn't a wagon... It is also less of a sluggish car and more of a bullet. Yes, it did cost more... but I'm pleased to have found another AWD subaru: they are almost impossible to find used as people never sell them. Even when you do find them, they are typically very beat up and/or have such a high re-sale that they are very costly.  I realize many people are choosing smaller and more fuel effective cars (and yes, this one is more fuel efficient) but I'm into functionality and safety (sorry planet.)  The other car that ran into mine was a hyundai and it DID NOT look okay/ had to be towed away.  So here's the new super-fast, Mom with a Midlife Crisis Mobile. (My father quipped," You're going to kill yourself in this car. You better be careful!" This coming from a guy that drives race cars! He also asked me if I was going to street race with it in the same breath. He stated,"It'd be fun for you." Uhm? Yeah, but the insurance won't! Sheesh!)

Definitely an upgrade... At the same time, I have to admit, I'm nostalgic for the security of a some what large and very sturdy vehicle I mean think of all the tiny cars driving alongside tractor trailers in the world and then consider what might happen if say a tractor trailer ran into a ford focus? I'll opt for the larger car, or at least the faster one that can get out of the way before I'd take a tiny one. I secretly have always wanted a sports car anyway so this works out...Now let's just hope it survives the term of the loan!


And that friends, is why we don't AGE AND DRIVE! They've placed tighter restrictions on the length of time young people have to have a permit before getting a driver's license and I'm all for placing restrictions on the elderly. For example, a RE-TEST after 40 years of driving and every two years afterward. I mean we've all been behind an old person driving 20 in a 30 or 30 in a 55 because they just... move slower. We've all also witnessed elderly people cause near accidents (and accidents) in situations like this... I'm all for some sort of regulation to keep us safe from slower reflexes, poor eye sight and a general obliviousness to recent/modern rules and patterns of traffic!

And so... we say goodbye and start over! RIP MSB! xo